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Just Rankin’ Sh!t
The 4 Worst Post-Quarantine Conversation Starters, Ranked
Congrats, you’re talking to real people at real parties. Just don’t do it like this.
4. “So, you Moderna Massive or Pfizer Force Five?”
Despite what ironic hashtags will have you believe, this is an express flight to playing yourself. Science is dope, but pledging your allegiance to a billion-dollar pharma company is another thing entirely. This isn’t arguing about things with qualitative differences, like pizza chains and Girl Scout Cookies — they do the exact same thing in the exact same way. What, are you out here asking people if they’re Team Aquafina or Dasani?
3. “Girl, I’m like long-haul Covid — you think you’ve gotten over me, but I linger.”
Here’s a tip, Romeo: Your perseverance is not a virtue. Maybe not taking no for an answer was meant to be charming once upon a time, but so were zodiac belt buckles. Don’t be a creep.
2. “I can tell you’re not like the rest of these sheeple. We don’t need the government in our business and our bloodstream, right?”
We have a feeling there’s high entertainment value to your social feeds, but being jokes isn’t the same as having jokes. Good luck finding someone who’s charmed by your blend of paranoia, aggressive stupidity, and continued ability to contract and transmit a deadly disease!
1. “THIS IS SO WEIRD, RIGHT?”
Man, look. We’re just all happy to be out here, and to try to put 2020 in the rearview the best we can. That means not talking about how long it’s been since you’ve been inside with people, not talking about sourdough or whatever the hell quarantine fad we’re trying to forget about — and if you can’t handle those, maybe not making small talk until you can.
