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Just Rankin Shit

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Just Rankin’ Sh!t

This has gone too far, people!

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The food item that highlighted the Great Sandwich Debate all those years ago. And you know what? Not a sandwich. All these hot dog defenders are missing one crucial thing: A hot dog bun is only one piece of bread. Gotta break that hinge to make it a sandwich!

A bastardization of the hallowed sandwich — a dry-ass turkey roll isn’t lunch, no matter how you slice it. While there are foods that redeem the wrap’s justifiably lowly reputation, like gyros or burritos, they ain’t sandwiches.

Yes, we know they have “sandwich” in the name. Yes, we know they have…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Congrats, you’re talking to real people at real parties. Just don’t do it like this.

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Despite what ironic hashtags will have you believe, this is an express flight to playing yourself. Science is dope, but pledging your allegiance to a billion-dollar pharma company is another thing entirely. This isn’t arguing about things with qualitative differences, like pizza chains and Girl Scout Cookies — they do the exact same thing in the exact same way. What, are you out here asking people if they’re Team Aquafina or Dasani?

Here’s a tip, Romeo: Your perseverance is not a virtue. Maybe not taking no for an answer was meant to be charming once upon a time, but so…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Stop being cute and just describe the damn thing!

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For any general color you can think of, there are dozens of Pantone varieties. Take orange: There’s Orangeade, Jaffa Orange, Apricot, Orange.com (whatever the hell that means), Tangelo, D’angelo (okay, not that one), and the list goes on. Most of them at least sound orange. And then there’s… exuberance. We’re all for poetic license, but can anyone explain this one to us?

If we were being generous here, we’d say, “Clearly, Pantone was trying to evoke the deep-red hue of the bricks from which so many cities’ apartment buildings are built.” But we’re not that generous because we know exactly


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

How has the DMV not revoked every last license?

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2 Fast 2 Furious is when things began to get 2 reckless, as seen in this scene that finds Brian (Paul Walker) and Roman (Tyrese Gibson) driving a classic car from the road onto a moving yacht in open water. When you consider the objective — rescuing Eva Mendes — it sounds pretty reasonable.

Aboard an express bus to doom, Brian escapes the overturned vehicle — which happens to be slowly tilting off the edge of a cliff — by sprinting across its long exterior and jumping onto the back of Letty’s (Michelle Rodriguez) car. Is he ever gon’…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

No shots at the field, but let’s get some real New York legends in the mix

If there’s one thing people dressed up as lovable characters and harassing tourists have in common, it’s that they know what a dollar’s worth — something that any NYC mayor needs to be in touch with. And be clear here: We’re not talking about the one that touched a kid. More like the one willing to throw hands for a bigger tip. Now that’s a work ethic!

The homebrewed fashion legend launched hip-hop style into the stratosphere with his bespoke ensembles — now he’s got brands like Gucci begging for that Uptown flavor. …


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Bring on the bubble guts!

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We don’t know much, but we know one thing: There are foods that only a Kraft product can complete. What, you’re gonna make a grilled cheese or breakfast sandwich with Swiss like a damn savage? The thing is, not all American cheese is created equal. If the package says “cheese food” or “American slices” or anything besides just “cheese,” keep that shopping cart pushing. In other words, Deli Deluxe all day!

The original salty sprinkle. Wow, sorry, we didn’t think about how that sentence sounded until we saw it sitting there. …


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

If you were a gas pipeline, you’d already be out millions!

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No lie, this is the most common password used. (And “123456789” is right behind it.) If you’re lazy enough to rock with this, we’d hate to see the back of your fridge. Or your personal grooming situation. Or really anything else in your life.

Another perennial top five on security audits, this either means you never bothered changing the default when it was given to you — in the early 2000s, we’re guessing — or you have trouble remembering how to count in order. …


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Lotteries are cool, but it’s time to get creative

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Rates of vaccine hesitancy among Gen Z — i.e., those damn kids — have only gone up. Know what might help? A decent shot at those Electric Green 6’s dropping this weekend!

We may not be jumping at Anheuser-Busch’s free beer offer, but that’s because Budweiser is fucking terrible. The idea itself — a gift card for a specific purpose — is a good one. So how about this: Pay our damn light bill! Utility companies already killed people this year. Maybe it’s time to help save some lives.

There are huge swaths of people who aren’t opposed to getting…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Fix ya face!

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Every year at the family reunion, some little cousin or nephew tries to get slick. And yeah, they’re faster than you, especially after that potato salad hits. But this year, you’re gonna have something they won’t: a slingshot-catapult combo that gives you the effective range of a gotdamn surface-to-air missile. Thanks, science!

Next time a family gerbil dies, don’t just flush it; use the occasion as an opportunity to get educational. Pull that rodent’s tiny arms through the ear loops— securely, lest the dearly departed go out like Wile E. Coyote — and toss it out a second-floor window to…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Just because you’re vaccinated doesn’t mean you’re trying to do everydamnthing!

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As if 14 months of daily video meetings wasn’t enough, now your co-workers wanna go to a bar together? Cop the Pfizer plea. Perfect for last-minute invites, but unfortunately this won’t work for anything that’s more than two to three weeks out. (Also, avoid this one if you’ve posted evidence on the ’Gram — you never know who’s gonna fuck around and go all Easy Rawlins on your excuse.)

Dinner with other couples can be fun. It can also be extremely… not. Next time an acquaintance or couple you don’t know that well tries to rope y’all into two hours…

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