When I think about unsatisfactory sexual experiences, my mind goes back to one guy in particular. Fred and I had been friends for a little less than a year when I decided to sleep with him. I wasn’t interested in him romantically, but I wondered what he was like between the sheets. So, one night, after dinner and a movie, I told Fred to take me back to his place. Seconds into our coital excursion, I knew I’d made a mistake.
It was my first time in his apartment, and right away everything I thought I knew about him proved to be untrue. He wasn’t the swaggy, more mature, debonair-yet-thuggish New Yorker I thought he was. He was a messy, thirtysomething kid with two roommates and what looked like a month’s worth of dishes in the sink. His bedroom was littered with dirty clothes and his bathroom reminded me of what you’d find at a roadside gas station. The more time I spent in his apartment, the more disconnected I became. Still, I thought I was being judgmental and petty, so I tried my best to focus on all the things that brought me there in the first place.
While we were doing the deed, however, I couldn’t focus. My eyes kept wandering around his bedroom. It was like a real-life version of Where’s Waldo, except instead of finding a guy in a striped shirt and matching hat, I discovered old pizza slices, half-eaten bowls of cereal, and a fish I was pretty sure had died days ago. And on the subject of dead fish, I can’t think of a more perfect way to describe my state of sexual arousal and performance. Completely turned off by his lifestyle, I just laid there, waiting for the ordeal to be over, hoping for a spark of inspiration.
It takes a lot more than good sex to impress or keep a woman interested, and good sex quickly turns lackluster after you’ve shown your worst traits.
Fred, on the other hand, was doing his thing-thing! You couldn’t tell this man he wasn’t rocking my world and blowing my mind. He was like a gymnast — contorting, rolling, and changing positions with no concern for how I was doing, except for asking…