Just Rankin’ Sh!t

The 6 Dishes Most Likely to Convince People That Your Non-Cooking Ass Can Cook, Ranked

From sides to mains, we’ve got struggle chefs of all levels covered!

Photo illustration, source: Justin Ong/Getty Images

6. Cilantro vinaigrette

There’s no shame in buying a premixed salad. But the stunt is all in the homemade dressing. Throw five ingredients in the blender — cilantro, vinegar, garlic, salt, and olive oil — plus whatever fresh herbs you’ve got on hand, and your work is done. Drizzle it on your side salad (or really, anything) and everyone will envy your greens.

5. Baked pasta

If you can fill a pot with water and turn a stove knob, you can cook pasta. But now it’s time to step up your shell game. Dump that boiled pasta into a casserole dish, stir with sauce (yes, even quality jarred sauce), sprinkle breadcrumbs and the cheese of your choice on top, and throw that shit in the oven for 15 minutes at 350 degreez, word to Juvie (minus Virgil). Top it with fresh basil and cock that chef hat to the side — you’ve got yourself a fresh batch of WAP (warm-ass pasta)!

4. Fried tofu

For those living the meatless life, here’s a very vegan option: Get yourself some tofu, press to expel excess water, chop it into cubes, coat with cornstarch, and get your Migos stir fry on. Boom, dassit. Go ahead and do a chef’s kiss in the air. (Sesame sauce topping, ftw!)

3. Steak

No need to overcomplicate a classic. Take it out of the fridge. Sprinkle liberally with kosher salt (the coarse kind). Let it sit an hour for every inch of thickness; the salt will draw out the moisture for a better sear. Grind black pepper all over that thing. Throw it in a smoking hot cast iron pan and DO NOT TOUCH. Flip it after the appropriate number of minutes and, again, DO NOT TOUCH. Remove it. Let it rest. Slice it. You’re welcome.

2. Slow-cooked salsa verde chicken

Slow cookers (and their hyperactive cousins, Instant Pots) are the great culinary equalizer. These things are foolproof: just toss in some ingredients, set the proper heat level, and leave it the hell alone. You can make damn near anything; this particular recipe involves dumping some chicken thighs, a good salsa verde, and some other veggies, herbs, and spices for a basic-ass dish that looks fancy as hell and tastes even better!

1. Super slow-cooked pork shoulder

If you feel swine is fine, buy yourself a big-ass pork shoulder, cover it in salt, and pop it into a 200 degree oven the night before you plan to get your feast on. Now, here’s the easy part — go to sleep. Wake up. Go about your day as normal, whether running errands, doing WFH stuff, or just chilling the fuck out. When it’s time for dinner, a whole 24 hours after the start of this hands-off journey, pull it out of the oven and use two forks to shred it apart like a weak argument. It’s adaptable for Mexican plates (tortillas, guac, and taco fixin’s), or you can toss it up with Korean sauces and lettuce to make bossam, the name itself all the more reason to try it.

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