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Dear Level
A Guide to a Happy Divorce
It’s never easy, but there’s still a relationship you can salvage
Update 6/7/22: Level has a new home. You can read this article and other new articles by visiting LEVELMAN.com.
After my 20-year relationship ended in divorce, I mourned. I mourned not just for the end of a marriage, but for what I thought would be the loss of my best friend. This was the first person I shared good and bad news with, the person I’d had children with, bought homes with.
It was all just devastating. Our teenager was starting college, and now we were raising an eight-year-old in separate homes. Everything — attending family weddings, parent-teacher conferences, taking the dog to the vet — was different now.
I know a lot of divorced couples, particularly those who are still raising children, and adjusting can take many years; many never find equilibrium at all. But I will say this: Five years later, my relationship with my ex is more than I could have hoped for. He’s my friend. I still call him to share good and bad news. We’re still raising our now 13- year-old daughter the best way we can. We live a few blocks apart, and our families are still connected.
If you have children, their antennae will detect every nano-ounce of tension. A coffee shop, a front porch, a fire escape, a backyard: If it’s manageable, take your conversations somewhere else so you can keep the home free of icy feelings.
There’s no handbook for breakups. At least not one that would work broadly for every scenario. But I can tell you what helped us, so here are my thoughts from my world. Remember, your mileage may vary.
1. Get therapy — immediately
I don’t want to hear excuses about why you don’t want to talk to a professional about your feelings. If you’re lucky enough to have halfway decent health insurance, use it. (And if you don’t, many therapists have sliding scales). How do you feel about this breakup? Scared? Happy? Disappointed? Broken? Whatever it is, a few sessions talking it out…
