Just Rankin’ Sh!t

5 Things That Are Definitely Not Sandwiches, Ranked

This has gone too far, people!

LEVEL Editors
Published in
2 min readJul 8, 2021
Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

5. Hot Dogs

The food item that highlighted the Great Sandwich Debate all those years ago. And you know what? Not a sandwich. All these hot dog defenders are missing one crucial thing: A hot dog bun is only one piece of bread. Gotta break that hinge to make it a sandwich!

4. Wraps

A bastardization of the hallowed sandwich — a dry-ass turkey roll isn’t lunch, no matter how you slice it. While there are foods that redeem the wrap’s justifiably lowly reputation, like gyros or burritos, they ain’t sandwiches.

3. Ice cream sandwiches

Yes, we know they have “sandwich” in the name. Yes, we know they have two slices of “bread.” But consider this: Sandwiches are savory. That’s it. That’s the rule. You can have something sweet in there, like a honey mustard or cranberry sauce or something, but that’s a condiment. Anyone out here claiming that ice cream is main-event sandwich material is probably out here putting Pixy Stix and Cap’n Crunch on white bread like Ally damn Sheedy.

2. Calzones

Dough and fillings? Sure. But call it what it is: an Italian dumpling. Y’all already have panini, just be content in that and keep it pushing. (You too, empanadas.)

1. Tacos

Come on, y’all. A torta is a sandwich. A taco is basically a wrap that didn’t make it all the way around. (As is a quesadilla, frankly.) We’ll still house a tray of carne asada tacos, just don’t go calling them something they’re not. Hell, if you think about it, a taco isn’t even a wrap — it’s a hot dog. And now if you’ll excuse us, we’re gonna go rethink existence itself.