Just Rankin’ Sh!t

5 Songs You Definitely Shouldn’t Add to Your Mother’s Day Playlist, Ranked

Don’t make things awkward, son

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

5. “Ain’t Your Mama,” Jennifer Lopez

Just what your Mother’s Day soundtrack needs: an audio skewering of man-babies who refuse to grow the hell up, instead, playing Xbox all damn day and expecting a significant other to handle simple adult responsibilities like cooking and cleaning. We’re not gonna tell you what to do — we ain’t your mama, either — but we doubt this is the vibe you’re going for.

4. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” The Jackson 5

You see, this is exactly why you cant rely on a keyword search to power your streaming choices. You’ll end up looking as bright as Prancer’s nose, playing a Christmas carol dead in the middle of spring. ‘Tis the wrong season, sir.

3. “Ms. Jackson,” OutKast

One of OutKast’s biggest hits, sure. But you really wanna hear the official anthem of co-parenting and child support strife on a day celebrating matriarchs? Save yourself the drama and divorce this from your mix.

2. “Mama’s Boyfriend,” Kanye West

We all know the love that Yeezy has for his late mother, Donda West. You could see it in photos of them together. In his projects that bear her name. In the many musical dedications he’s made to her. However, this My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy-era leak takes things to an Oedipal extreme, portraying an adversarial relationship between a son and his mother’s suitor. “Tryna get to know me, homie? Just kill the charm / You ain’t interested in me — you just tryna fuck my mom,” Ye rhymes, after calling himself “the man of the house.” You got it, baby boy.

1. “Cleanin’ Out My Closet,” Eminem

There are at least half a dozen songs from Marshall Mathers that would be worthy of inclusion here. We’re gonna go with the one that became a double-platinum smash despite (because of?) lyrical accusations of his own mom’s prescription pill habit and various forms of neglect when he was a child. A decade after this track’s release, Em dropped an apology record called “Headlights,” proving dirty laundry is usually best kept in the hamper. Sorry, Mama!

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