JUST RANKIN’ SH!T

12 Christophers We Actually Acknowledge, Ranked

Fuck Columbus Day

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12. Ruth’s Chris Steak House

Okay, hear us out: shrimp cocktail. Those mutant, hormone-injected jumbo shrimps are like little heaven prawns. Partner them with a delectable filet, and you’re looking at a Chris that has done far more for society than some doofus who couldn’t even locate a giant mass of land.

11. (and 10.) Kriss Kross

Pizza. A new car. A stimulus bill. This article. Pop-Tarts. Oh, don’t mind us, we’re just naming things that don’t make you jump. You know what does make you jump? Kriss motherfucking Kross. The hip-hop duo consisting of not one but two Christophers (aka Daddy Mac and the miggity-miggity Mac Daddy) are kid rap trailblazers, responsible for Billboard-charting songs about school buses and bombs. If you never wore your pants backward back in the day, did you really even ’90s, bro?

9. Chris Evans, Chris Pratt, and Chris Hemsworth (tie)

These Marvel men (Captain America, Star-Lord, and Thor, respectively) are the holy trinity…