Dear Level

Valentine’s Day Isn’t a Good Time to Experiment With Your Sex Routine

Don’t ruin a perfectly good holiday by doing too much in the bedroom

Images: zoljo, Jupiterimages, Anastasiia Burlakova, malerapaso/Getty Images

How do I love Valentine’s Day? Let me count the ways. I love the romance, the sex, the chocolate. On this inherently romantic holiday, my partner and I go the extra mile to show not only how much we love each other, but how turned on we are by one another.

Every year on February 14, I insist on bouquets of red roses and star lilies, bottles of champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, and decadent dark chocolate truffles with sweet and surprising centers (cherries and cream are the best!). I’ll usually play a sexy soundtrack, light some candles, and put on a French lace teddy, silk stockings, and a satin garter. Self-heating massage oils and quality lube are musts.

All in all, it’s a Valentine’s Day starter kit — all the classics, but little adventure or audacity. It’s not that I don’t appreciate adventure or audacity; it’s just that the most romantic day of the year isn’t the time to start doing things we usually don’t.

Some of us need to work the next day; chances are you or your partner are going to have a difficult time standing, walking, sitting, using the bathroom, or focusing on anything other than the burning sensation coming from down yonder.

When Valentine’s Day enthusiasm ventures into the unknown, it’s easy to get carried away. Things can go left, and quickly. I found this out many years ago when I allowed my ex-husband to take our third V-Day together a step too far while trying something new in the bedroom. Let’s just say I spent the following day nursing a lot more than a hangover.

My word of advice? Stick to what you know, and focus on doin’ it well. I implore you to skip the following sexual acts on Valentine’s Day if you’ve never tried them before:

Anal sex: Valentine’s Day happens to fall on a Sunday this year. But even if you’re not devout, this should be all the more reason to bypass trying butt sex for the first time. Hear me out. Some of us need to work the next day, and chances are you or your partner are going to have a difficult time standing, walking, sitting, using the bathroom, or focusing on anything other than the burning sensation coming from down yonder. Everything will be bad — especially if it’s your first time.

Want to experiment with anal sex? Consider saving it for a vacation or long holiday break, when there’s ample recovery time. For now, maybe explore a little tongue or finger action on V-Day. Trying lube, butt plugs, or anal beads are some ways you and your partner can embark on the frontier without taking the full plunge. After all, you’ve gotta prep and coach the area beforehand for a while.

BDSM: Don’t even think about trying BDSM — bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism — for the first time this Valentine’s Day. It takes a seasoned pro to know how not to injure his or her partner or leave noticeable ligature marks — marks that family, friends, or colleagues could understandably mistake for signs of abuse.

As stated above, save this for a long weekend and start slowly at the beginner’s level. For example, with your partner’s consent, try a little spanking during sex. Some of you may like to be lightly choked while riding or being ridden. Your partner may enjoy feeling dominated by being pinned down or having their mouth covered to muffle screams of ecstasy. Whatever you do, make sure to communicate with your partner and keep it sexy.

Threesome: Listen, sir. Valentine’s Day is not the occasion to introduce your threesome fantasy to your partner for the first time. Whether you just want to suggest it or have already hooked it up, this is absolutely the wrong time to broach the topic if your partner hasn’t even hinted at wanting such a thing.

Valentine’s Day should be about you, your partner, and the love, lust, and appreciation you have for each other. It should be a romantic day, as well as a hot-and-steamy one. So, instead of inviting someone else into your bed, you and your partner might enjoy streaming porn that depicts your respective fantasies. Or, record homemade porn and watch it together to help you appreciate how erotic you are together — without involving anyone else.

Do whatever it takes to make this Valentine’s Day memorable and enjoyable for both you and your partner. Chances are, the past year has had its share of challenges for you as a couple and as individuals. You may not have had the time, resources, or opportunity to take care of yourselves or each other between trying to stay healthy and alive during a pandemic, financial changes and hardships, nationwide shutdowns, working from home, and homeschooling your kids.

Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to put the craziness happening outside of the bedroom on silent mode — while bearing in mind that usual responsibilities await the next day. Plus, you don’t want to put undue pressure and stress on your partner to try something new that hasn’t been previously rehearsed, planned, or discussed.

More than ever before, this Valentine’s Day is about honoring yourself and your partner. Acknowledge what a blessing it is to walk through this crazy life with someone who loves you. Worship each other — mind, body, and soul. And, as always, have fun… but not too much fun.

3x New York Times bestselling author, copywriter, and columnist. lilibetovesen.com

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