The Toxic Romance of Mental Disorder and Substance Abuse

Walking through the day means nursing a universe of emptiness cradled between the chest and stomach

J. Frederick Robinson
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Photo: Jonathan Knowles/Getty Images

I’ve dealt with chronic depression and anxiety my entire life. The earliest memories of feeling “down” or having suicidal ideations started when I was 13 years old — around the time many people with a chronic disorder begin to experience symptoms.

I never knew what was wrong with me. The mental health language didn’t exist at the time, and at my age, I couldn’t yet wield the words needed to describe what I felt. The most I could muster was that I felt sensitive, sad, needy, and weak — like an emotional teenager. But this wasn’t just teen angst; it was the beginning of the path I had to walk.

It’s genetic: I have mental illness on one side of the family, and substance use on both. It’s the reason why my mother felt she couldn’t continue being my mother when I was 15 months old. It’s also one of the reasons I’m so proud of my father. Having this internal struggle is in my blood. It’s in my genes. I was made for this.

One in 25 Americans suffers from a mental health disorder, and 5.8% of them suffer from two or more. Many will turn to substance use as a coping mechanism. For us, walking through the day means…

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