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Just Rankin’ Sh!t
The 7 Worst Sex Punchlines From Otherwise Great Rappers, Ranked
Just because you’ve got bars doesn’t mean they’re all keepers
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7. Drake, “Best I Ever Had”
“My shirt ain’t got no stripes, but I can make your p***y whistle” is bad enough, right? Oh, no, young Aubrey’s just getting started; you need to know the tune! Specifically, The Andy Griffith Show theme song. Which, first, that’s a hell of an awkward stroke. And second, is there a less sexual show than one with a little kid, a matronly aunt, and Don Knotts?
6. Kendrick Lamar, “Backseat Freestyle”
Yes, “my left stroke just went viral” (“Humble”) is hilariously terrible. But nothing will ever hold a candle to the chorus of this otherwise untouchable track off Good Kid, m.A.A.d City. “I pray my d**k get big as the Eiffel Tower/So I can fuck the world for 72 hours?” We get that, K. Dot’s playing himself as a teenager, and teenagers say some dumb things, but it’s tough to enjoy rapping along to this one when the thing in question is this dumb.
5. J. Cole, “The London”
Part of the challenge of a list like this is overcoming recency bias — and in this case, we didn’t even bother. Cole has a long history of some terrible sex lines, but his verse on Young Thug’s 2019 summer banger manages to veer back and forth from standout to facepalm, switching up flows and peppering the entire enterprise with some real groaners. (“In my DM they electric slide/No catfishin’, this is not a fish fry.” Really?) But just when you think he’s going to pull out of the skid, he ends off the whole enterprise with, “Fuck your IG, I’ll put something on your sonogram.” What’s sexier than pregnancy, ladies?!
4. Big Pun, “Still Not a Player”
You know the line. Don’t act like you don’t know the line. We all know the line. It’s not only anatomically impossible — six rulers?! — but it is decidedly not the sort of thing to make someone giggle, “You nasty, Pun!” with pleasure.
