Just Rankin’ Sh!t

The 7 Dumbest Cryptocurrencies, Ranked

They’re real, and they’re (very far from) spectacular

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

7. Coinye

Yes, it tried to harness the star power of Kanye West with a logo featuring shutter shades-era Ye. Yes, Kanye’s legal team got it shut down almost as soon as it was announced in 2014. No, it’s not even close to the only cryptocurrency seemingly launched just for the pun potential.

6. WhopperCoin

In 2017, Burger King Russia (where else?) issued one billion of these on the Waves crypto platform, promising to give customers one for every ruble they spent at the fast-food chain. When you got enough WhopperCoins — 1,700, or about $23 in U.S. dollars — you could trade them in for an actual Whopper. “Eating Whopper today is a groundwork for financial well-being tomorrow,” a spokesperson said at the time. You’ve gotta be Putin us on, comrade.

5. Nyancoin

Launched the same day as Coinye, Nyancoin tried to harness the power of a meme. (An extremely White meme, we should point out.) Yet somehow, it persists to this day! Now all it needs is a Trick Daddy co-sign, and we might actually fuck with it.

4. Tokes

With the financial potential of legal weed running smack into backward-ass federal laws, the cannabis sector loves crypto as a way to get around banking woes. There’s PotCoin, HempCoin, DopeCoin… and then there’s Tokes. Dunno, there’s just something about that name that makes it sound like the Chaps to the other brands’ Polo.

3. $Cat

Hard to believe it’s been more than a year since Tiger King put folks like Joe Exotic and big-cat rescuer Carole Baskin on our radars. But even if Exotic couldn’t swing a presidential pardon, Baskin’s trying to continue her cash-in with what she calls a crypto “purr-ency.” Don’t worry, we feel even worse typing those words than you do reading them.

2. SpankChain

Of course the porn industry has seized on the promise of crypto. Built on the Ethereum chain, the company claims to give sex workers and adult performers a framework for anonymous monetization. The only problem? It insists on calling its token Spank, its minted resource Booty, and its framework Spankbank. We don’t foresee a happy ending for this one.

1. Dogecoin

If Elon Musk finding something funny doesn’t tell you it’s a steaming pile of terrible ideaness, nothing does. Just go to Mars already and leave us alone, clown.

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