Just Rankin’ Sh!t
The 7 Best Toilet Paper Alternatives, Ranked
Desperate times call for desperate measures
Update 6/7/22: Level has a new home. You can read this article and other new articles by visiting LEVELMAN.com.
7. Dollar bills
At these toilet paper prices, you might as well wipe your ass with a dead president. (Preferably Washington, because it’s still money. Also, because fuck Washington.)
6. Leaves
Yes, the outdoors are closed until further notice, but that socially distant foliage in the wilderness is fair game. Pluck some angel-soft green leaflets — it’s probably better than those translucent one-ply sheets you panic purchased last month.
5. Paper towels
Convenient, but a real pain in the ass.
4. A whole-ass shower
A full-body wash for every squat on the pot might sound excessive, but you gotta do what you gotta do in these shitty times. Just be sure not to confuse your “special” washrag with the one you use for the rest of your body.
3. Facial tissues
They’re much more delicate than toilet paper, so double up like Mase and tread…
