6. ‘Rapper Ninja Warrior’
Yes, the premise was exactly what it sounds like: Blindfolded MCs navigated an obstacle course populated with swole-ass gladiators, rapping all the while. And the only reason this is the least-weird entry on the list is because Eric Andre actually managed to prove its potential on his self-titled Adult Swim show. Honestly, if Quibi had lived long enough to add the show to its platform, we might have become paying subscribers.
5. ‘Home Movie: The Princess Bride’
Only in 2020, a year in which everyone was at home and a billion-dollar company was absolutely desperate for content, could “a bunch of actors re-enact The Princess Bride in their separate backyards” qualify as a show idea. We’re not saying it was bad, we’re just saying: This is what we’ve come to.
White folks know well the ballad of Community creator (and Rick and Morty co-creator) Harmon, whose comedic genius was always offset by… let’s just call them personal quirks. What they might not know is that his ex-girlfriend once found a sex doll in his closet — and then Quibi greenlit a series based on that charming anecdote. What, you thought you’d hit the bottom of the barrel? Keep scraping!
3. ‘Cup of Joe’
Quick, who’s the most charisma-free Jonas Brother? Just kidding, we know you can’t name any of them! (Also, they’re all tied.) But one of them managed to convince Quibi to buy a travel show that we’re guessing is named after him — there’s a Joe, right? — in which he visits famous friends in their home cities, then… [snores deeply, slides off couch]
2. ‘Nikki Fre$h’
Okay, so Nicole Richie plays Nicole Richie, a onetime gossip-page fixture and reality-TV star who decides to become an eco-conscious trap rapper. What could go wrong? That’s not a rhetorical question; the answer is actually “everything,” including Quibi’s decision to say yes to this turd. We know Richie and husband Joel Madden thought it was cute when they dreamed it up, but wow.
We’re going to preface the description of this show by telling you that it’s real. Then we’re going to follow the description by reminding you that it’s real. Ready? Okay: A cooking competition show, except the contestants are cannon-blasted with ingredients, then — by tasting the resulting slurry — have to figure out what the meal is and reconstruct it. Once again, that was a real show. Tituss Burgess, a real person, hosted it. Quibi, a real-ish streaming platform, purchased it. You, a real viewer, did not watch it. And that’s how balance was restored to the universe.