Just Rankin’ Sh!t

The 5 Worst Patois We Can’t Unhear, Ranked

Cease and seckle, people

Photo: FOX/Getty Images

5. Brad Pitt, ‘Meet Joe Black’

Pretty Boy Floyd plays Death in this muddled romantic drama, but when he meets an elderly Jamaican woman in a hospital, he goes full Ras Trent. Whether it’s an “everyt’ing gwaan be irie” that sounds straight out of a Jimmy Buffett concert or a gratuitous “raatid!”, we couldn’t escape the struggle — mostly because we had our hands clamped over our eyes, which only made our hearing all the more sensitive. Duppy know who fi frighten!

4. Neil Patrick Harris, ‘Clara’s Heart’

The world didn’t know Harris when this Whoopi Goldberg vehicle came out in 1988; Doogie Howser, M.D. was still a year away, let alone his Broadway career or years-long turn in How I Met Your Mother. But when we saw his character picking up patois from his Jamaican nanny, we — sorry, we had to take a knee after writing the words “his Jamaican nanny.” The only clip we could dig up is relatively innocuous, but trust us: There’s a reason we didn’t fuck with Barney.

3. Drake, various

Yeah, Drake’s from Toronto, which has a massive West Indian influence on par with London’s. But just like 6 God stays using whatever accent serves him at the time, it’s hard to see him hanging with Usain Bolt and not think no, mi yute, no!

2. Adrien Brody, ‘Saturday Night Live’

Picture it. May, 2003. Just a couple of months after becoming the youngest man to win an Academy Award for Best Actor, Adrien Brody gets the chance to host Saturday Night Live. He’d already basically assaulted Halle Berry; what could he do to top it? The answer, apparently, was introduce musical guest Sean Paul by donning a dreadlock wig and yelling fucking gibberish. “Wha ya deal wit, yunno?” he started, before laying waste to our senses with a Thanos snap-level death ray of cringe. Be clear: This wasn’t a sketch, this was just Brody showing his ass. NBC scrubbed it from most of the internet, but don’t worry, it’s still out there. Original rude boy, indeed.

1. Chet Hanks

If this is your introduction to the fact that Tom Hanks’ son has developed a habit of speaking in surprisingly competent but no less embarrassing patois — most of which has been scrubbed from his Instagram, but is still worth tracking down for the shocked, angry laughter it elicits — then you’re welcome.

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