JUST RANKIN’ SH!T

The 5 Most Obnoxious Sign-Offs Used by Facebook Conspiracy Theorists, Ranked

You sheeple shouldn’t believe anything you read in this post!

Photo illustration. Source: Apple

5. “Look it up!”

Conspiracy theorists have already done all the work, they’re just waiting for your uninformed ass to catch up by watching hours of poorly edited YouTube videos and reading scientific journals from 1976 about fluoride poisoning. Are you too lazy to do the 10,000 hours of research necessary to fully understand their 20-word Facebook comment? Typical!

4. “99.98% survival rate!”

That statistic is gonna be really funny on the coronavirus denier’s tombstone.

3. “#FakeNews”

No news source is reliable. Unless, of course, the conspiracy theorist found it in a speedy Google search or had forwarded to them by the Society of Crackpot Uncles.

2. “That’s just what Bill Gates and George Soros want you to believe”

Conspiracy theorists think Bill Gates wants to get rich selling a Covid-19 vaccine (even though he gave $50 billion of his own wealth away after accumulating it) and that George Soros owns and controls every media company (also ridiculously untrue). According to them, Gates and Soros want to implant trackers in your brain and sell your children to pedophile rings. They are to White tinfoil-hat culture what El Cucuy and El Chupacabra are to Latinxers.

1. Sheep emoji (🐑)

Crackpot conspiracy pushers love sheep. They talk about sheep all the time on Facebook like they’re obsessed with these gentle, fluffy, and delicious (as gyros) creatures. Folks who disagree with a conspiracy freak are labeled “sheeple,” as sheep are docile, obedient, and maybe up for a good time with the right conspiracy theorist? It’s time to investigate this strange connection. No one is saying they’re having sex with sheep… but what if they are? The facts are online, you just have to dig past the #FakeNews and the stuff Bill Gates and George Soros want you to believe. Look it up!

Tech culture writer and podcaster, now freelancing in Texas. Bylines: Washington Post, WSJ, CNN, NPR, Texas Monthly. Here for all your wordy needs.

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