JUST RANKIN’ SHIT

The 5 Most Inept Fictional Drug Kingpins, Ranked

These upward-failing crime bosses should’ve been canned a long time ago

5. James St. Patrick (‘Power’)

Dude. You literally had one job: Don’t have a romantic affair with the person investigating you. It’s simple. Ghost went above and beyond the ideals of trash kingpinning by destroying his family and his criminal empire over a COP he’d had a crush on back in high school.

4. Tommy Buns (‘Belly’)

We’re glad this man found a higher calling, because he may have been the most unhinged drug dealer of all time. Getting so drunk and high that you rile up your little homies to gun each other down in a fancy Olive Garden? Getting so hooked into the game that you’re now an assassin for the CIA? We’ve gotta be sincere — if hustling was a desk job, Tommy would’ve been X’d out in his first week.

3. Stringer Bell (‘The Wire’)

This guy was making like $1 million a day and he threw it all away just because he passed an Econ midterm at Baltimore Tech Community College YEWniversity or whatever it was. He wore those little school glasses and thought he was smart enough to elevate into the white-collar world. Instead, he ended up dead in an abandoned building. Poetry.

2. Tony Montana (‘Scarface’)

We think it was Aristotle who said “never get high off your own supply.” Whatever the case, Scarface clearly missed that lesson and went face-first into a mountain of cocaina before meeting his demise in a shootout with half the mercenaries in Miami. Is this your kingpin?!

1. Nancy Botwin (‘Weeds’)

Great, a drug-dealing Karen. Just what the streets need. Basically, she fumbled every bag she could at every turn and relied on the power of Calling the Manager to get her out of trouble. No wonder only 53% of this show was good.

Sign up for Minority Report

By LEVEL

A weekly newsletter that dives into cultural news in need of a strong opinion. Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Get the Medium app