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Just Rankin’ Sh!t

You go blind, you best be able to see it through!

Photo illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

In life, there’s nothing wrong with playing things safe. In Spades, however, you’re guaranteed to draw the contempt of your opponents for continually making two or more books than you bid. It’s all fun and games until someone bags out.

You’ve gotta establish the house rules from jump — especially when playing with folks from different backgrounds, regions, and levels of experience with internet gaming. Are deuces wild? Which is the Big Joker? Sandbags or nah? You really gonna bid nil, like, in real life? …


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Why can’t every day be a fry day?

Photo Illustration of fried chicken.
Photo Illustration of fried chicken.
Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

Some of you may have never experienced this; we are praying for you. Fried Oreos with a few lines of powdered sugar on top are what state fair dreams are made of. Imagine the chocolate goodness of an Oreo — but greasy! Sure, each one shaves a few months off your lifespan, but it’s worth it.

We’re downing, like, a dozen of these Mexican delights at a time whenever the opportunity presents itself. Don’t judge — this ain’t People’s Court.

The top three gets really competitive, but this soul food staple is just epic. A perfectly fried catfish is like…


Living life fully sometimes means living life so fully you fall asleep with a plate on your lap

A young guy in checkered pajama trousers falling asleep with a slice of pizza in his hand in bed next to a pizza box and open laptop. He has the itis.
A young guy in checkered pajama trousers falling asleep with a slice of pizza in his hand in bed next to a pizza box and open laptop. He has the itis.
Photo: yacobchuk/iStock/Getty Images Plus

While I was speaking with a class of college students recently, one of them told me that she was interested in becoming a child anesthesiologist. I told her my experiences of being under general anesthesia, and how it was the best sleep I’d ever had. There were no dreams, no concerns, no care whatsoever for the waking world. It was as close as I have ever come to biological bliss.

Except when I am experiencing the itis.

I feel compelled to qualify the forthcoming hedonism with an obligatory note about the impact of obesity on Black communities, how nearly 50%…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Not even a day off work is worth commemorating these travesties

Photo: RiverNorthPhotography/Getty Images

We’re not gonna go full Frederick Douglass on you right now, but trust that the most you’ll get out of Black people for “Independence Day” is some love for fireworks. Celebrating freedom in the same country with a prison-industrial complex? Might need to wait for July 34th for that to happen.

Any holiday that encourages debauchery is skating on thin ice, but when the debauchery is this unrelentingly Caucasian, there’s no point in even debating it. Turning beer green is only the beginning of the grossness, which invariably ends in city streets that look like a Roman purgatorium. …


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Cowabunga, dude!

Photo: skodonnell/Getty Images

Don’t be superficial — this pie may look simple as the dishes from your public school cafeteria days, but it has a crust with just the right crunch quotient and tasty slices of swine laid atop the cheese.

If you’re gonna say “fuck it” and rack up the carbs, you might as well opt for a pizza made with organic ingredients.

With an assortment of toppings that tastes fresh even out of the freezer, Newman’s packs a ton of flavor. Plus, “In crust we trust” is a damn bar.

The mozzarella and sauce ratio is as balanced as a Libra…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

The world is yours!

Photo: fizkes/Getty Images

Regardless of the extended weekend configuration, Sunday is a sad, anxiety-ridden reminder that the end is near (with no operating Chick-fil-As to soothe your soul). Before you know it, you’ll be back to fielding Slack messages and forcing smiles throughout Zoom calls in which you have to remind your co-worker Jan for the millionth time that her mic is muted, for fuck’s sake.

Friday has long held a special place in the cultural canon — hat tip to Cube and Kanye for their contributions — but it loses some of its luster as part of a Big Three. We know…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

If you’ve made it this far, more power to ya!

Photo: Simon McGill/Getty Images

Take your pick. What better way to stay away from alcohol than to opt in for all the other illicit substances you can put into your body instead? If you’re high, you’re probably too busy eating Cheetos to think about drinking. See how that works?

Every time you want a drink, just cue up your favorite OnlyFans or Pornhub accounts and choke out the sins of desire. You’ll tone your biceps and gain a new understanding of your body’s carnal limits — all while remaining as sober as Mitt Romney on Easter Sunday. It’s the winningest win-win of all.

Again…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

We’re not eating anything called Quorn, but we can make room on our plate for these

Photo: Hinterhaus Productions/Getty Images

The OG of this shit. Yeah, it’s a bit of a relic in this age of protein-rich plant-based burgers — basically mushrooms, onions, brown rice, and rolled oats, it feels straight out of a ’70s food co-op — but you gotta respect the architect. (Unless you’re vegan; it’s got cheese in it, too.)

Real talk, one of the best things you’ve never ordered from a chain menu. Black bean burgers are a tough needle to thread; grocery store versions are always drier than Mike Pence’s palate, so best to make them yourself or get them at a restaurant. …


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Here’s who awaits you on the other side of an invite to the newest social network craze

Photo: Westend61/Getty Images

There’s always someone who pops into a room that’s been going for, like, five hours and who wants a personalized recap of what was previously said. They usually say something like, “Hey, yo, I’m just hopping in… uh… what are we talking about? Actually, never mind, here’s what I think.”

Ma’am. Sir. You don’t talk like that in real life. Please stop using your sexy voice to discuss freelance contracts.

You really don’t need to refer to complete strangers as “big bro” every time they hop on stage. Act like you’re talking to a human and not Sean Combs. “I’m…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Don’t spend it all in one place! LOLOL

Photo: Jamie Grill/Getty Images

Let’s be honest: Vaccine or not, we’re probably still gonna be shut down for a large portion of the year. White tees and basketball shorts have served you just fine for Zoom calls this long — don’t suddenly become a quarantine Hypebeast.

The weight-loss promise of shitting away the pounds is never a wise investment. Just grab a bottle of prune juice, stay within clenched-knee-shuffling radius of a bathroom, and call it a day.

You may not be able to afford Dr. Oz with your government funds (even if you score the full $600!), …

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