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Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Don’t make things awkward, son

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

Just what your Mother’s Day soundtrack needs: an audio skewering of man-babies who refuse to grow the hell up, instead, playing Xbox all damn day and expecting a significant other to handle simple adult responsibilities like cooking and cleaning. We’re not gonna tell you what to do — we ain’t your mama, either — but we doubt this is the vibe you’re going for.

You see, this is exactly why you can’t rely on a keyword search to power your streaming choices. You’ll end up looking as bright as Prancer’s nose, playing a Christmas carol dead in the middle of…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

If we let you come, you gotta promise not to bring any of these. Deal?

“Is there a lingering effect after a couple of centuries of racism and discrimination in this nation?” you asked rhetorically on Face the Nation this weekend. “The answer is absolutely.” Great that you’re acknowledging racism and all, Senator, but that “after” is doing a looooot of work here.

“Everyone loves a little extra,” you kept saying, plunking a metal spoon into it like you weren’t violating a cardinal rule of food safety as thoroughly as your continued allegiance to the GOP violates reason.

We get it: You voted with Big Don about 91% of the time — significantly more than…


The Only Black Guy in the Office

I’ve accepted this fact and figured out how to use my powers for good

Illustration: Michael Kennedy

A few weekends ago, I bagged some clothes and kicks that had been collecting dust in the back of my closet and dropped them off at a local donation center. ‘Tis the season for spring cleaning and whatnot. What can I say, I’ve always been one for giving what I can to those in need. It’s the fulfillment for me.

This everyday, tax-deductible act — along with the world slowly but surely opening back up — got me to thinking about how I pay it forward in my professional life. My general workplace demeanor might be to keep to myself…


The pros and cons of raising a preteen

Photo by Kaysha on Unsplash

I was trolling TikTok for laughs one day when I stumbled upon a video of a guy doing a “review” of his newborn baby boy. This dude was visibly delighted with his two-month-old offspring — he said the boy only cost him a few “grown-up transactions” — and encouraged others to get one, too.

Now, I got a good chuckle from the breakdown, which played like an unboxing video. That’s a shiny new baby, fresh out of the box. What’s not to like?

Of course, he’s cute. A baby alligator is cute. And like a baby alligator, a baby…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

GET OVER HERE!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Mortal Kombat / WB Games

Always the cocky asshole, Cage winds up and lands an uppercut so devastating it knocks his opponent’s domepiece clean off — then reaches behind him and whips out a pair of stunna shades, David Caruso-style. “Guess the perp… lost their head,” you can almost hear him say.

When you’ve got your enemy teetering on the brink of unconsciousness, are you gonna help them out of the ring — or are you gonna rip your mask off to expose a grinning skull, then spit fire at their feet until they go up in a gout of flame? The first one, we…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Get ready to throw hands!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium. Source: Getty Images.

Sorry Edward Scissorhands, these don’t make the cut. Trying to penetrate rock is futile, and would likely result in shears popping the hell off their pivot. And while even the dullest blades can slice through sheets of paper, that only creates… more sheets of paper. In a competitive sport that’s all-out hand-sign-throwing war, you really feel confident flashing a sideways peace symbol?

Okay, let’s start with the good: It’s pliable. Paper can be folded into infinite configurations — shout out to the origami gang among us — and crumpled to a formidable density, adding to its guile and cunning properties…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Rest in power, weird-ass kings and queens!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Dishmantled via Quibi

Yes, the premise was exactly what it sounds like: Blindfolded MCs navigated an obstacle course populated with swole-ass gladiators, rapping all the while. And the only reason this is the least-weird entry on the list is because Eric Andre actually managed to prove its potential on his self-titled Adult Swim show. Honestly, if Quibi had lived long enough to add the show to its platform, we might have become paying subscribers.

Only in 2020, a year in which everyone was at home and a billion-dollar company was absolutely desperate for content, could “a bunch of actors re-enact The Princess Bride


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Charge it to the game!

A partial view of a Duracell D battery in black & white against a background with the repeating text “Just Rankin’ Shit.”
A partial view of a Duracell D battery in black & white against a background with the repeating text “Just Rankin’ Shit.”
Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

Rechargeable appliances have largely replaced those that require batteries, but these old reliables have avoided obsolescence. Personal groomers, your wireless mouse, handheld kitchen gadgets, your kid’s toys, a wall clock, the damn TV remote — you’d best keep a few of these batteries around, lest you be AAssed-out when you need ’em.

Ever touch your tongue to the polarized nubs of one of these batteries for the sole purpose of adding some semblance of sensation to your otherwise numb existence? Just us? Oh. You could use them in smoke detectors, too, we guess.

Okay, Radio Raheem. Unless your nostalgic ass…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

‘It’s Friday; you ain’t got no job… you ain’t got shit to do’

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: New Line Cinema via Amazon Prime Video

We knew this short-lived MTV2 toon would be weird when we realized John DiMaggio — the voice of Futurama’s Bender — would attempt to channel the greatness of John Witherspoon’s Pops. What we didn’t anticipate was Smokey’s character looking like dude from ToeJam & Earl. Friday has never felt so fugazi.

Ranking this sequel so low should be as illegal as the cash stuffed in Joker’s hydraulic pump. Sure, Chris Tucker’s absence is felt in this follow-up set in the suburbs, but Mike Epps seamlessly fills the void as Day Day. Damn near every moment he’s on screen is hysterical…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

It’s April, fools!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium. Source: Getty Images.

The best elements of Punk’d tend to be natural reactions to manufactured shenanigans; Tyler’s didn’t disappoint. After a taco truck explodes at a children’s charity event, the former Odd Future frontman smiles ear to ear while running toward a man engulfed in flames — not to offer help, but to capture footage on his phone. Fake reality sets in when he’s blamed for the blast. “Yo, is he okay?” asks Tyler, the destroyer. “I can’t go to jail if I fucked up, right?”

Leave it to Ashton Kutcher to turn racial profiling into a riotous prank. When stopped by two…

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