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Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Why can’t every day be a fry day?

Photo Illustration of fried chicken.
Photo Illustration of fried chicken.
Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

Some of you may have never experienced this; we are praying for you. Fried Oreos with a few lines of powdered sugar on top are what state fair dreams are made of. Imagine the chocolate goodness of an Oreo — but greasy! Sure, each one shaves a few months off your lifespan, but it’s worth it.

We’re downing, like, a dozen of these Mexican delights at a time whenever the opportunity presents itself. Don’t judge — this ain’t People’s Court.

The top three gets really competitive, but this soul food staple is just epic. A perfectly fried catfish is like…

Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Today is National Poultry Day — you know the vibes!

Cartoon chicken holding a photo of a roasted chicken.
Cartoon chicken holding a photo of a roasted chicken.
Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Warner Bros via Hbo Max

Good luck finding the edible portions of this cyborg monstrosity that was revived and Frankensteined after becoming highway roadkill. Neither appetizing nor worth the effort.

This cartoon character just looked scrawny, zooted out of his mind, and most definitely not organic. (But we see you, Cow!)

It’s hard not to imagine either of these big-headed, stubby-legged chicks glazed and twirling on a rotisserie rack.

You better know how to fight if you dare to even think about getting a taste of this belligerent-ass bird that’s perpetually brawling with Peter Griffin. …

Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Yolk’s on you!

Photo illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

Sure, the hardboiled variety makes for a portable snack, and its soft-boiled counterpart dresses up (deep sigh of resignation) avocado toast. They both keep Easter egg hunts from being a hot mess. But be serious: Despite being maddeningly difficult to de-shell, boiled eggs are basic as hell. You really proud of something that requires the cheffing ability of a reasonably smart kindergartener?

You can’t knock a classic — even if those anti-drug commercials from the ’90s tried to ruin these for us.

We were once told that an omelette is only an overdone scrambled egg, and we’ve never been the…

Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Some deep musings on a Mexican staple

Nacho chips.
Nacho chips.
Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

Want some fiber and deliciousness to blend with all that salt and fatty goodness? Beans won’t ever steer you wrong. You can go refried for a more pasty texture or get sexy and choose black beans for a more scattered surprise-in-your-mouth effect. Just, uh, remember: Whoever smelt it dealt it.

Add some spice to your life by tossing some of these hot peppers into the mix — not the ones that say “tamed” on the jar, mind you — and washing it all down with a cold margarita. It’s the synergy for us.

It’s hard to pass on nachos topped…

Living life fully sometimes means living life so fully you fall asleep with a plate on your lap

A young guy in checkered pajama trousers falling asleep with a slice of pizza in his hand in bed next to a pizza box and open laptop. He has the itis.
A young guy in checkered pajama trousers falling asleep with a slice of pizza in his hand in bed next to a pizza box and open laptop. He has the itis.
Photo: yacobchuk/iStock/Getty Images Plus

While I was speaking with a class of college students recently, one of them told me that she was interested in becoming a child anesthesiologist. I told her my experiences of being under general anesthesia, and how it was the best sleep I’d ever had. There were no dreams, no concerns, no care whatsoever for the waking world. It was as close as I have ever come to biological bliss.

Except when I am experiencing the itis.

I feel compelled to qualify the forthcoming hedonism with an obligatory note about the impact of obesity on Black communities, how nearly 50%…

Just Rankin’ Sh!t

They’re not all cheery, yo

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

You may not be able to blame Canada for this ill-conceived attempt to turn syrup into cereal — but that won’t stop us from trying!

You’d think these would taste better than you remember, but nope. They’re still like munching on crumbly chalk. Babies only like them because they are completely bland and flavorless. Go season some food, babies.

Only a slight step up from the kinds of sugar-coated cereals you usually prefer to Cheerios. They won’t make you go cuckoo, but the low-key chocolate flavor hits a nice note.

This falls into the category of semi-Cheerios, in which General…

Hope you’ve got an appetite for an extended metaphor

Photo: Spencer Platt/Getty Images

Gentrification is the kind of thing you know when you see it, and that’s not nearly as dodgy as it sounds. A 2019 study released by the National Community Reinvestment Coalition (NCRC) shows that almost half of U.S. gentrification happens in only a handful of cities: Baltimore, Chicago, Los Angeles, New York City, Philadelphia, San Diego, and Washington, D.C. Yet the process grafts so easily onto any given area that in nearly any city, investment in one neighborhood can be a harbinger of evictions to come in another.

Gentrification is a rat king of developers, city officials, community elitism, and…

Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Wreak havoc on your arteries 365 days a year

A photo illustration of a chicken and waffles meal and “Just Rankin Shit” text in the background
A photo illustration of a chicken and waffles meal and “Just Rankin Shit” text in the background
Photo illustration, source: James Andrews / Getty Images

Sure, you could order a burger at Waffle House, but that’s like going to a strip club to deliver a TED Talk on Bamboozled. You really think that’s going to go well?

The eggs (beaten with a milkshake blender!) are very good — you can stuff them with ham and cheese and peppers and get tasty buttered grits on the side. But as a stand-alone meal, something feels like it’s missing. Oh yeah: waffles.

WH’s lunch and dinner menus are largely trash, but cheesesteak on gigantic Texas toast is surprisingly good, especially when loaded with onions, mushrooms, and a giant…

Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Cowabunga, dude!

Photo: skodonnell/Getty Images

Don’t be superficial — this pie may look simple as the dishes from your public school cafeteria days, but it has a crust with just the right crunch quotient and tasty slices of swine laid atop the cheese.

If you’re gonna say “fuck it” and rack up the carbs, you might as well opt for a pizza made with organic ingredients.

With an assortment of toppings that tastes fresh even out of the freezer, Newman’s packs a ton of flavor. Plus, “In crust we trust” is a damn bar.

The mozzarella and sauce ratio is as balanced as a Libra…

Just Rankin’ Sh!t

We all know the best one, but let’s do this anyway

Photo illustration; image source: Katherine Frey/Getty Images

Y’all made a cookie that looks like toast. And you called it “Toast-Yay!” — like, with an exclamation point. We know you’re all little girls, and we respect the entrepreneurial spirit, but it’s a cookie that looks like toast. Next.

Shortbread cookies are the shepherd’s pie of the cookie aisle — British people really fuck with it, and that’s about it. Y’all have heard of flavor, right? (Hint: Butter is not a flavor.)

Shouts to our gluten-free fam! We respect the celiac sensitivity.

We regret to inform you that shortbread cookies don’t get that much better when you slap lemon…

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