Rock, Paper, and Scissors, Ranked
Sorry Edward Scissorhands, these don’t make the cut. Trying to penetrate rock is futile, and would likely result in shears popping the hell off their pivot. And while even the dullest blades can slice through sheets of paper, that only creates… more sheets of paper. In a competitive sport that’s all-out hand-sign-throwing war, you really feel confident flashing a sideways peace symbol?
Okay, let’s start with the good: It’s pliable. Paper can be folded into infinite configurations — shout out to the origami gang among us — and crumpled to a formidable density, adding to its guile and cunning properties. It could neutralize scissors’ sole function by wrapping them up like a damn straightjacket. And while it’s unlikely to do lethal damage to any human, a paper cut would hurt like hell for at least two days. Yet while this palm-down play looks good on paper, in reality, this shit couldn’t stand up to any of the natural elements. Paper’s soggy and useless after water exposure, goes up in smoke in a fire, and a slight gust of wind would send that sheet into another zip code.
Forget the expression “dumb as a rock” — who needs wits when you’re so damn indestructible that this game’s ancient creators had to resort to something as flimsy as paper for worthy competition. The reasoning behind rock’s sole weakness is asinine. Sure, paper could shroud a stone, but rock would just as easily dominate if the positioning was reversed; it’d be like the Nutty Professor sitting on Napoleon Dynamite. Meme stock traders don’t respect paper hands, and neither do we — we’re rocking with Dwayne Johnson all the way, baby.