No One Prepares for Turning 50
In some ways, I feel like I’m just getting started. Don’t wait until you feel the same.
Update 6/7/22: Level has a new home. You can read this article and other new articles by visiting LEVELMAN.com.
As I write this I am turning 50. The plan is to spend my semi-century in bed — or, if I’m feeling cosmopolitan, on the couch. Lying prone is not how I normally spend birthdays, but it is how I will be spending this one. It is not a pandemic-based decision; it is an If-I-Must resignation.
I get that I should be thankful. A lot of people don’t make it to 50, especially Black men. I’m fortunate to have made it through the pandemic this far without being tagged with a life-threatening virus or worse. I have my health, my teeth, and my mind. I recognize that these are all things to be grateful for as the odometer of my body clicks to the half-century mark.
They are also things I am obligated to say before I can say graceless and entitled things.
Normally I make a big deal out of my birthday on social media. It is a communal affair, where I post a list of about 20 activities that people can do from wherever they are. I invite people to leave work early, buy records at a local store, thank a famous writer for their work, and, of course, eat all of the food. It’s not a celebration of me so much as an exhortation to others about how they should approach their lives: with joy and care for others, reveling in beautiful things, and paying respect to those who have helped us along the way. It’s a very “treat yourself” philosophy.
Because I spent the better part of my life dreaming and plotting and hitting just enough home runs to justify my wanderlust and procrastination, the rest of my life has a patina of fatalism it did not possess before 50.
But this year I’m turning 50, and all I want to do is load up a PlayStation game I was saving as a reward for finishing a book draft, unplugging from the world for the day.
There is no discernable difference between 49 and 50. Anything I could do in the last week of 49…
