I Wrote a Product Review of My 12-Year-Old Son
The pros and cons of raising a preteen
I was trolling TikTok for laughs one day when I stumbled upon a video of a guy doing a “review” of his newborn baby boy. This dude was visibly delighted with his two-month-old offspring — he said the boy only cost him a few “grown-up transactions” — and encouraged others to get one, too.
Now, I got a good chuckle from the breakdown, which played like an unboxing video. That’s a shiny new baby, fresh out of the box. What’s not to like?
Of course, he’s cute. A baby alligator is cute. And like a baby alligator, a baby human is cute when you first bring them home. But as they get older, they get ginormous and want to eat all of the food as quickly as you can procure it.
Your son getting bigger, stronger, and better than you is your destiny. That baby boy is a walking outsourcing department — and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
As the proud owner of an older model — my son is 12 years old — I understand this man’s enthusiasm. But I wish this new dad waited until he’d had the boy long enough to share a long-term perspective, one that takes into account how much time and money it costs to maintain a baby.
We’ve all seen those product reviews on online retailers like Amazon where the customer updates an initially glowing review with a more objective addendum once they’ve actually had some time to sit with the damn thing. And while I’ve don’t have any buyer’s remorse, I’ve certainly got some fresh views after a dozen years of raising mine.
Interested in getting a preteen of your own? Peep my list of positives and negatives, beginning with the latter.