If I Walk Onto Your Elevator, Don’t Expect the Nod
The burden of acknowledging strangers sharing your air space
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One night at a party recently, I found myself in a conversation that had a familiar, unsettling effect on me. The man I was talking to — like so many strangers, social media commenters, even friends, lovers, and family members before him — left me wondering if I’m a terrible person.
Before it happened, we’d been discussing life in Japan, and how social mores there differ from customs in the Western world. The man had a pet peeve, he said: He couldn’t understand how people can share an elevator without acknowledging each other. A “hello,” or even a slight nod, was better than the rudeness of silence.
And it wasn’t just elevators. As he went on, it became clear that he considered it a cardinal sin to enter any space without acknowledging the people in it. You shouldn’t pass someone in the hallway without some gesture, shouldn’t silently walk by anyone on an empty street. In short, it’s common courtesy to let everyone you see know that you acknowledge them and you’re glad they’re there.
“Isn’t ‘the nod’ a Black thing? Aren’t there enough White people in most Western cities for them to never really feel that alone?”
Even reading this now, your reaction is probably to question him. Why so inflexible? Why so fragile that silence should come as an offense?
Not me. I couldn’t believe my ears — and they’re probably the one thing that’s never caused me a moment of insecurity. Does this prove it? I thought. Am I a terrible person? Most of the time, when I’m in public, I’m either deep in thought, wearing my headphones, or (most likely) both. Is it necessary for me to nod to everyone who passes? And furthermore, isn’t “the nod” a Black thing? Aren’t there enough White people in most Western cities for none of them to ever really feel that alone?
“Sorry, I’m not that guy,” I said once he’d finished. “I’m the one who drives you crazy by not even looking at you.”
I could see the judgment in his eyes. It’s not like I thought we’d become best friends, but I wanted to at least set the ground…
