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The Only Black Guy in the Office
The Insecurity of Being Black and Corporate
Can my co-workers tell I’m struggling with impostor syndrome?
Update 6/7/22: Level has a new home. You can read this article and other new articles by visiting LEVELMAN.com.
When I started my current job, my co-workers insisted that it’d take a minute to get fully acclimated and comfortable with my role. But that didn’t stop the negative thoughts from creeping in.
The first two months were objectively fine. My team was supportive and eager to provide guidance in areas of my job where I was struggling. Folks were clear and encouraging about the intricacies of my department. Even as I was still learning, I nabbed an average evaluation (three stars!) in my first performance review. You’d think that would be reassurance enough, right?
Well, since then, Covid-19 has transformed life around the world. And for me, professionally, it’s amplified some insecurities as the newest guy on the team. There are still aspects of the job that I’m figuring out, but now that my whole company is working from home, there’s a whole new cadence to adapt to — without the benefit of being in the same space as the people who would usually advise me.
When you’re working from home, nobody really has visibility on what anybody is doing at any given time. Sure, I send my end-of-day emails to supervisors to keep them abreast of what I got done, and my focus for the next day. But often I wonder: Is it enough? Is this actually aligned with my goals in this position with this company, or am I being counterproductive? Is there more expected of me since I’m working from home, rather than in an office?
It can activate a preexisting impostor syndrome — like I’m underperforming or I don’t belong in my seat, and it’s only a matter of time before the jig is up. Being one of very few people of color at the job can intensify that feeling. Usually I’m self-aware enough to know that it’s a bullshit way of thinking, but sometimes the self-talk can still get to me.
Sure, I’ll fail along the way, but I can fail fast, adjust, and improve. It’s not really about winning or…
