Just Rankin’ Sh!t
All 13 Girl Scout Cookies, Ranked
We all know the best one, but let’s do this anyway
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13. Toast-Yay!
Y’all made a cookie that looks like toast. And you called it “Toast-Yay!” — like, with an exclamation point. We know you’re all little girls, and we respect the entrepreneurial spirit, but it’s a cookie that looks like toast. Next.
12. Trefoils
Shortbread cookies are the shepherd’s pie of the cookie aisle — British people really fuck with it, and that’s about it. Y’all have heard of flavor, right? (Hint: Butter is not a flavor.)
11. Toffee-tastic
Shouts to our gluten-free fam! We respect the celiac sensitivity.
10. Lemonades
We regret to inform you that shortbread cookies don’t get that much better when you slap lemon icing on them. True lemon ice only comes from a pushcart, begrudgingly scooped by a person who is thinking uncharitable things about you. (Fuck you too, Angelo.)
9. Caramel Chocolate Chip
The “chewy” category is an ambitious move, but one that’s mostly destined to fail when delivered in a plastic sleeve. Yeah, there are exceptions — shout out to Samoas — but if you want that soft-baked feel, gotta go homemade. Or to Subway.
8. Thin Mints (room temperature)
That sound you heard when we bit into it? Oh, that was a keening wail of disappointment.
7. S’Mores
A classic trio of flavors. The only thing it’s missing from the “Little Brownie Bakers” version of the cookie — and we’re quoting from the official Girl Scout Cookie page here — is “a scrumptious chocolatey coating (WHOA!)”
6. S’Mores (enrobed)
Oh, here’s that “scrumptious chocolatey coating (WHOA!)” Delicious? Yes. But at a belt-popping sevens grams of saturated fat in two little-ass cookies — and what kind of monster eats only two cookies?! —…