Just Rankin’ Sh!t

7 Most Telltale Signs That You Are a ‘Geriatric Millennial,’ Ranked

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium. Source: Getty Images.

7. You regularly go to bed (and wake up) early

Let’s be real, you need all the sleep you can get. Sure, you used to pull all-nighters for no reason at all, but these days, you can barely stay up past the first half of Laker games. (Make sure you get your naps in!)

6. Pro athletes look much, much younger than you do

Speaking of professional sports, all of the athletes in your age group are in the twilight of their careers — that is, if they’re even competing at all. Commentators talk about these players like they’re damn dinosaurs, relics from another time. Don’t take it to heart, fam.

5. Acid reflux is the norm

Your body is gonna pay for that order of buffalo wings. Trust.

4. Politics and parenting finds its way into every conversation with friends

Once upon a time, you discussed art, ambitions, occasions where you got shitfaced back in college. Now, 90% of convo subject matter is something someone’s kids did and rants about Republicans. Fun!

3. Hangovers are brutal

You’ve gotta genuinely ask yourself if three cocktails tonight are worth being literally useless for the next 48 hours.

2. Random body pain is the norm

Maybe you got up too quickly out of bed. Perhaps you sat at your desk all damn day without taking periodic walks. An extra-vigorous sneeze? Or maybe you laid in an awkward position while you were getting all that sleep. You may never know the culprit, but mysterious achy joints or back muscles will have you gingerly hobbling around with no concrete cause. Wear that geriatric label with pride, fellow old head!

1. You are triggered by the term ‘geriatric millennial’

The controversial phrase — meant to describe those of us who were born between 1980 and 1985, and raised during the transition between analog and digital eras — trended on Twitter yesterday after appearing in an article published by our sister publication Index. The resulting discourse was calm, measured, and reasonable, allowing for a productive exchange of ideas that… oh, who are we kidding?! Folks on Dionne Warwick’s internet were big mad about the usage of an adjective usually reserved for senior citizens. Your personal reaction may be the most telling.

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