Just Rankin’ Sh!t

7 Holiday Cocktails That Are Better Than Eggnog, Ranked

Turns out Christmas spirits don’t have to taste like melted pudding!

Photo illustration; sources: Roger Harris, Natalya Danko, bhofack2/Getty Images

7. Hot toddy

True story: I knew a guy who used to walk up to people and say, in a breathy Marilyn Monroe voice, “Hi, I’m Toddy. Hot Toddy.” Thankfully, the drink is good, too.

6. Spiked cider

A foolproof formula for grown-ass fun: Take any childhood staple — musical chairs, telephone, Twister, hide-and-seek — and add alcohol. That’s it. You get to relive the joy of your carefree days as a kid, and nine months later, you might even end up with a new kid of your own! Anyway, warm apple cider paired with spiced rum makes for a fine time.

5. Tom & Jerry

This variation of hot buttered rum is also hot and made with butter. But it’s renowned for how much it pays off for all the work it takes to make it. Almost enough to make you forget how racist its namesake cartoon could be!

3–4. Coquito and cremas (tie)

A rare upside of winter beginning is that it’s the time of year when bottles of coquito (a significant upgrade from traditional eggnog) get distributed by good-hearted Puerto Rican folks everywhere (thanks in advance to mi amiga Jessica). Similarly, cremas, which originates from nearby Haiti, is bolder in flavor and thicker in consistency than its PR counterpart — it’ll knock you on your ass quicker than you can say “Sak pase!”

2. Mulled wine

Drink this warm, spiced wine while brooding in a dark corner of a room, alone. When someone asks what you’re doing, snap back at them, “I’m mulling things over!” Then wait for a laugh. You might have to wait a really long time, so be patient.

1. Anything with peppermint schnapps

The holidays are the only time it’s acceptable to add peppermint schnapps to your cocktails, so drop that candy cane goodness into martinis, White Russians, ginger beer, whatever. When the world becomes just a blur of sweet red-and-white stripes, you should probably stop drinking.

Tech culture writer and podcaster, now freelancing in Texas. Bylines: Washington Post, WSJ, CNN, NPR, Texas Monthly. Here for all your wordy needs.

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