Just Rankin’ Sh!t

6 Cheeses That Are Worth the Aftermath, Ranked

Bring on the bubble guts!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

6. (Real) Singles

We don’t know much, but we know one thing: There are foods that only a Kraft product can complete. What, you’re gonna make a grilled cheese or breakfast sandwich with Swiss like a damn savage? The thing is, not all American cheese is created equal. If the package says “cheese food” or “American slices” or anything besides just “cheese,” keep that shopping cart pushing. In other words, Deli Deluxe all day!

5. Cotija

The original salty sprinkle. Wow, sorry, we didn’t think about how that sentence sounded until we saw it sitting there. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s a must in any taco, though.

4. Parmesan

If it weren’t for the next two choices on this list, true Parmigiano-Reggiano might just be Italy’s greatest gift to the world. The green shaker bottle is cool, but get you a block of the real deal and keep it on hand for damn near anything that needs some deeper flavor. And because it’s a hard cheese, it’s lower in lactose — which means it’s potentially a far better choice for you (and, uh, your partner).

3. Mozzarella

Fuck with our pizza and see what happens.

2. Burrata

There’s fresh mozzarella, and then there’s fresh mozzarella infused with cream. Cut into a blob of this, and the cheese casing gives way to an ooze of pure flavor that will make your mouth feel like it’s died and been embraced in Jesus’ loving arms. Your intestines later, though? Maybe not so much.

1. Pepper jack

Monterey Jack is an indispensable, versatile choice — it’s what you want in everything from a burrito to an omelet. But add in some crushed red peppers to the mix, and you’ve got the GOAT cheese. (Sorry, goat cheese.)

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