5 People We’d Write in as NYC Mayor, Ranked
No shots at the field, but let’s get some real New York legends in the mix
5. Times Square Elmo
If there’s one thing people dressed up as lovable characters and harassing tourists have in common, it’s that they know what a dollar’s worth — something that any NYC mayor needs to be in touch with. And be clear here: We’re not talking about the one that touched a kid. More like the one willing to throw hands for a bigger tip. Now that’s a work ethic!
4. Dapper Dan
The homebrewed fashion legend launched hip-hop style into the stratosphere with his bespoke ensembles — now he’s got brands like Gucci begging for that Uptown flavor. The press conference ’fits alone would be worth our vote.
3. Desus Nice
Mero might have it lit out for the green pastures of New Jersey, but the other half of the comedy duo stays 10 toes down in the five boroughs. Best part about a write-in vote for Desus? You can use any of his 1,472 aliases. Catch us in a voting booth trying to scribble in “Yung Charcuterie Without the Coonery.”
2. Not Andrew Yang
We’ve dealt with a lot of disingenuous fuckery from New York mayors, but we’ll take just about anyone over an Astroturf-ass, rode-out-the-pandemic-in-New-Paltz-ass, Michael-Scott-level-appreciation-of-NYC-food-ass, tech founder in disguise. Go back to Silicon Valley, fam.
1. A bodega cat
Transplants might love taking photos of Fluff Bundles, the one-eyed tabby hanging out on a pallet of Fabuloso. But what that one eye’s bored look really says is, “I was here before you, and I’ll be here long after you write a thinkpiece about moving to Austin.” Let’s get that attitude back in Gracie Mansion.