Just Rankin’ Sh!t

5 Best Ways to Stay Sober During Dry January, Ranked

If you’ve made it this far, more power to ya!

LEVEL Editors
Published in
2 min readJan 14, 2021


Photo: Simon McGill/Getty Images

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5. Drugs

Take your pick. What better way to stay away from alcohol than to opt in for all the other illicit substances you can put into your body instead? If you’re high, you’re probably too busy eating Cheetos to think about drinking. See how that works?

4. Masturbation

Every time you want a drink, just cue up your favorite OnlyFans or Pornhub accounts and choke out the sins of desire. You’ll tone your biceps and gain a new understanding of your body’s carnal limits — all while remaining as sober as Mitt Romney on Easter Sunday. It’s the winningest win-win of all.

3. Nonalcoholic drinks

Again, you’ve got options here. Want the bitter taste of a brew without any of the accompanying bad decisions? Down O’Doul’s, a nonalcoholic beer. If you’re looking for something more sophisticated, get your mixologist on with a nonalcoholic apéritif like Ghia as the base. Just don’t call it a mocktail — have some dignity, dude.