Just Rankin’ Sh!t

5 Best New Uses for Your Old Masks, Ranked

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

5. Win any water balloon fight

Every year at the family reunion, some little cousin or nephew tries to get slick. And yeah, they’re faster than you, especially after that potato salad hits. But this year, you’re gonna have something they won’t: a slingshot-catapult combo that gives you the effective range of a gotdamn surface-to-air missile. Thanks, science!

4. Teach your kid about aerodynamics

Next time a family gerbil dies, don’t just flush it; use the occasion as an opportunity to get educational. Pull that rodent’s tiny arms through the ear loops— securely, lest the dearly departed go out like Wile E. Coyote — and toss it out a second-floor window to let your kids witness the mighty power of a parachute. Will it go well? It will not. But at least they’ll have a good story to tell the therapist in a few years.

3. Prevent accidentally seeing the ‘Friends’ reunion

There’s nothing the White internet seems more excited about these days than the sextet from the ’90s sitcom getting back together — and HBO Max is pushing that shit like you wouldn’t believe. You don’t want to be out here thinking you’re jumping into Tenet or an old Curb episode, only to be confronted with an overwhelming absence of Blackness. So, best be safe about it.

2. Pull a Virgil

Step 1: Grab your mask. Step 2: Grab a marker. Step 3: Write “MASK” — all caps with quotation marks — on the mask. Step 4: List it on StockX. Step 5: Profit. (Step 5a: Take a photo of said mask, then mint an NFT of the photo and sell that. Congratulations, you’re a visionary!)

1. Keep wearing it

Sure, Covid-19 may be retreating, but that doesn’t mean other people stopped being nasty. Why do you think flu cases plummeted this past year? You’ll be glad you have that shit when you end up at a mall on December 23 and it sounds like a phlegm convention.

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