Just Rankin’ Sh!t

5 Best Excuses to Avoid Post-Quarantine Social Events, Ranked

Just because you’re vaccinated doesn’t mean you’re trying to do everydamnthing!

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5. You’re still waiting for that second vaccination to kick in

As if 14 months of daily video meetings wasn’t enough, now your co-workers wanna go to a bar together? Cop the Pfizer plea. Perfect for last-minute invites, but unfortunately this won’t work for anything that’s more than two to three weeks out. (Also, avoid this one if you’ve posted evidence on the ’Gram — you never know who’s gonna fuck around and go all Easy Rawlins on your excuse.)

4. Your partner’s not vaxxed up

Dinner with other couples can be fun. It can also be extremely… not. Next time an acquaintance or couple you don’t know that well tries to rope y’all into two hours of small talk, just throw your boo under the bus. They don’t need to know your partner has been free and clear for three months!

3. Ah, damn, you thought the hang was virtual

Also known as the “no wonder there was no one else in the Zoom!” Taking Uno digital was fine at first, but your girl’s best friend has been coming at you sideways ever since that night you pinned her with a double album’s worth of stacked Draw cards. You’re not trying to bring that back into the real world!

2. You’ve been going too hard already

That first week of drinks with friends felt like a blur. That second week was a blur. Now it’s Week Three, and if you don’t dry out a little bit, you’re gonna fuck around and end up in Rehab-19.

1. You weren’t prepared for time having meaning again

What, we’re back to concepts like a.m. and p.m. now? Using real numbers to denote the part of the day we’re in? Y’all know damn well that “nap o’clock” and “zero dark Hennessy” were a better way to live.

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