Just Rankin’ Sh!t
5 Best Excuses for Not Being Able To Grow a Beard, Ranked
No, you’re self-conscious. You are.
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5. They got dookie in ’em
You’ve seen the science abstracts and reports that beards have something called “fecal matter” in them. You know what that is? Dookie balls! All up in your beard. Wanna rub a man’s beard? Might as well rub it with Charmin because there’s poop all up in there. I’m choosing not to grow a beard because I don’t want dookie all up on my face.
4. They’re for liars
Who in the pre-Covid world would go outside hiding their faces besides Batman, bank robbers, and ninjas? Exactly. Beards are, by nature, dishonest. They tell the world that you don’t want people to see the full you. The beardless among us are the most honest men you’ll ever meet.
3. They’re racist
I don’t know how the racism gets in there, nor can I verify the exact particulars of said racism, but I can feel it in my spirit. There’s fuckery in those follicles.
