Just Rankin’ Sh!t

5 Best Excuses for Not Being Able To Grow a Beard, Ranked

No, you’re self-conscious. You are.

Photo: jazzmxx/Getty Images

5. They got dookie in ’em

You’ve seen the science abstracts and reports that beards have something called “fecal matter” in them. You know what that is? Dookie balls! All up in your beard. Wanna rub a man’s beard? Might as well rub it with Charmin because there’s poop all up in there. I’m choosing not to grow a beard because I don’t want dookie all up on my face.

4. They’re for liars

Who in the pre-Covid world would go outside hiding their faces besides Batman, bank robbers, and ninjas? Exactly. Beards are, by nature, dishonest. They tell the world that you don’t want people to see the full you. The beardless among us are the most honest men you’ll ever meet.

3. They’re racist

I don’t know how the racism gets in there, nor can I verify the exact particulars of said racism, but I can feel it in my spirit. There’s fuckery in those follicles.

2. It would be unfair to grow one

What do you give the man who has everything? Well, you don’t give him a beard to take him to the next level. I mean, chiseled abs, perfect bone structure, the voice of an angel, and an impeccable pair of brunch boots: I’m basically Molly from Insecure’s wildest dreams. Growing a beard on top of all that would set the bar so high no man could possibly live up to it. It would break the space-time continuum. Honestly, my patchy-ass beard is a public service and I’m appalled that I’m not getting more credit for my sacrifice.

1. True icons don’t need them

Malcolm X didn’t have a beard. Obama doesn’t have a beard. The Rock doesn’t have a beard. Neither does Goku or Wolverine. Or John Boyega. You know who has a beard? Tariq from Power. Okay, he doesn’t yet, but he’s definitely gonna grow up to have one. He has big beard energy. With dookie in it.

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