Just Rankin’ Sh!t

4 Other Ways States Can Encourage Vaccination, Ranked

Lotteries are cool, but it’s time to get creative

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

4. Cutsies on the SNKRS app

Rates of vaccine hesitancy among Gen Z — i.e., those damn kids — have only gone up. Know what might help? A decent shot at those Electric Green 6’s dropping this weekend!

3. Utilities credits

We may not be jumping at Anheuser-Busch’s free beer offer, but that’s because Budweiser is fucking terrible. The idea itself — a gift card for a specific purpose — is a good one. So how about this: Pay our damn light bill! Utility companies already killed people this year. Maybe it’s time to help save some lives.

2. Giving people the damn day off

There are huge swaths of people who aren’t opposed to getting vaccinated. They just don’t have time — either to get the vaccine or to take the next day off in case they’re feeling run down from the possible side effects. Hey, remember all those companies who talked big shit last year about pledging money to racial justice and pursuing equity among all people? Might be time to actually walk the walk instead of silently closing their wallets and walking away. Just kidding — they’ll never do that. FEDERAL HOLIDAY TIME, AMTRAK JOE!

1. MAGA deepfakes

Again and again, the data tells the same story: Ain’t no public health jeopardizing party like an old White Republican Party. Thankfully, this is the same crowd who falls for unsourced Facebook memes and whatever Tucker Carlson tells them. So the solution is clear: Make a video of what looks like the Fox News anchor reciting actual facts about the vaccine. Sure, it’s a 180 of his most recent claim that workplace vaccine requirements are equal to “medical Jim Crow,” but real talk from a fake person is better than fake talk from someone we still can’t believe is a real person.

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