Just Rankin’ Sh!t

4 Dr. Seuss Books We’d Love to Read in 2021, Ranked

Pour a little out for the diggy-diggy-Doc, y’all

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4. “Karen Korvaller, the Manager-Kaller”

In this tale of a coffee run gone wrong, readers meet a disgruntled patron who just can’t leave well enough alone: “And she took a deep breath and she puffed out her bangs/and she yelled with a growl like a White Clubber Lang/pointing one pudgy finger that was covered in jewels/‘I SAID THREE PUMPS OF BIRTHDAY CAKE SYRUP, YOU FOOLS!’”

3. “And to Think That I Saw It on OnlyFans Street”

After a middle school student borrows his father’s smartphone, he stumbles upon the adult subscription service — and promptly regales his friends at school with the saga of what he witnessed: “Well, Tammy Tarturken was dancin’ and twerkin’/A guy called Ralph Wig ’Em was modeling merkins/Some lady in draws said her name was Ripe Roz/If I tipped her, she said that she’d send me her bras!” A homage to Seuss’ very first title that you won’t want to miss.

2. “Tucker Tells a Tale”

You’ve seen Fox News host Tucker Carlson pretend to be outraged about everything from Disney Channel adds to Mr. Potato Head. In this delightful read, you can learn how he determines his cynical bow-tie worldview: “I put on a blindfold and spin all around/and I think how the libs are just dragging us down/I get so sad and scared that other people are happy/Why is rap really crap? Why can I not say ‘nappy’?”

1. “Orton Owns an Ally”

No one at Orton’s job really cared too much about Orton — until it suddenly became very trendy to do so! Now, Orton is surrounded by people who “stand with” him but only in superficial ways. So one day, Orton lets loose: “He just couldn’t help it; he tried not to yell/but Performative Patty was annoying as hell/with her Instagram black squares and tone-deaf Slack texts/saying ‘BIPOC’ in one breath and ‘ghetto’ the next.” Wondering what happens next? You’ll have to keep reading!

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