Just Rankin’ Sh!t

The 9 Real Oreo Flavors That Await You in Hell, Ranked

Come get your man Nabisco, he’s whylin’

Photo: Amazon

9. Carrot Cake

Let this exist as your introduction to a fundamental concept of Oreodom: If it has “golden” cookies, it’s not an Oreo. (You may wanna take notes, as we’ll be revisiting this principle a few times.)

8. Watermelon

In journalism, they say that “how” and “why” are the most important questions. Nothing has ever proven that as effectively as this monstrosity. (In this case, though, we’d also include “who” — as in “who the hell would ever fix their mouth to eat the pasty green and red filling in one of these?”)

7. Supreme

Sure, the co-branded drop from the hypebeast favorite tasted like a regular Oreo — but at $8 for two cookies, and thousands more on reseller sites, it’s the price that’s disgusting.

6. Tiramisu

The real thing is an incredible end to a great Italian meal (along with an espresso). This version, which replaces coffee- and mascarpone-soaked ladyfinger cookies for “two types of creme,” is about as Italian as the song “Wu Gambinos.”

5. Strawberry Cheesecake

Lotta keys we could press right now to voice our concerns, but we only need two: N and O.

4. Mega Stuf

Everybody loves the middle of an Oreo — it’s a triumph of goddamn modern science. But once you get past Double Stuf, you quickly realize how accurate the law of diminishing returns really is. That holds for what we can only assume is Mega Stuf’s triple-thick slathering of “creme,” and it goes at least double for the apex predator of the Stuf line, the ominous-sounding The Most Stuf. Countdown to diabeetus in 3, 2…

3. Maple Creme

One time, at the boba spot, we ordered a wintermelon milk tea because it sounded refreshing. And while wintermelon might actually be refreshing, in its milk tea form it tasted like fake maple flavoring. You know what’s not refreshing? FAKE MAPLE FLAVORING. (Also: golden cookie alert!)

2. Caramel Coconut

This is not okay. This is very, very not okay.

1. Candy Corn

Fuck you, Nabisco. We’ve long suspected your distaste for humanity, but this really is a war crime in a plastic sleeve.

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