Just Rankin’ Sh!t

The 6 Most Annoying Things Cryptocurrency Traders Say, Ranked

Our two cents on the subject are worth .00000057 of a bitcoin

Photo: Francesco Carta fotografo/Getty Images

6. “Bitcoin is old news; I’m all in on Ethereum.”

The rise of bitcoin brought with it hundreds of offshoots (called altcoins, or in the case of the truly worthless blockchain currencies, shitcoins). Investors like to pride themselves on an encyclopedic knowledge of the relative strengths and weaknesses of each. And they will explain all that to you. Repeatedly. For hours at a time.

5. “To the moon, $40k!”

Bitcoin traders are always looking at that next landmark, record-breaking price target. It’s always about hitting the peak, never about the journey. Nobody’s stopping to smell the flowers at $31,719.

4. “Your fiat dollars mean nothing, the future is crypto.”

Look, if you wanna attempt to grow your net worth by investing in cryptocurrency, that’s cool. But stop telling people who aren’t in it that their cold hard cash is useless. This isn’t Itchy and Scratchy money — last time I checked, you can still go to the gas station and fill your tank and then pay for it with actual dollars. Of course, Mr. Bitcoin would just reply, “Oh, you don’t drive an electric car?”

3. “HODL!”

That’s not an acronym, but rather a typo that has become a rallying cry for investors to “hold” on to their digital assets despite their value dropping during a dip (or, ahem, a market correction). Buckle up: It’s gonna be a wild financial ride. You might even lose it all!

2. “I had a bitcoin when it was only worth $100. But then I got rid of it.”

The crypto life is full of sad what-ifs — especially a currency boom that got away for those who didn’t HODL. Traders who balked at bitcoin early on now imagine their lost riches, Sliding Doors-style, in a parallel universe where they made millions.

1. “Do you accept bitcoin?”

Trying to pay for common goods and services with a bitcoin wallet is just showing off. Nobody selling a used lamp on Craigslist wants to hear, “Oh, $50? Great, I’ll just send you .0015 of a bitcoin for it, that works out great for you.” I don’t have time for conversions, dude. Just hit me on Cash App so I can complain about missing out on the craze like five years from now.

Tech culture writer and podcaster, now freelancing in Texas. Bylines: Washington Post, WSJ, CNN, NPR, Texas Monthly. Here for all your wordy needs.

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