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Just Rankin’ Sh!t

GET OVER HERE!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Mortal Kombat / WB Games

Always the cocky asshole, Cage winds up and lands an uppercut so devastating it knocks his opponent’s domepiece clean off — then reaches behind him and whips out a pair of stunna shades, David Caruso-style. “Guess the perp… lost their head,” you can almost hear him say.

When you’ve got your enemy teetering on the brink of unconsciousness, are you gonna help them out of the ring — or are you gonna rip your mask off to expose a grinning skull, then spit fire at their feet until they go up in a gout of flame? The first one, we…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Get ready to throw hands!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium. Source: Getty Images.

Sorry Edward Scissorhands, these don’t make the cut. Trying to penetrate rock is futile, and would likely result in shears popping the hell off their pivot. And while even the dullest blades can slice through sheets of paper, that only creates… more sheets of paper. In a competitive sport that’s all-out hand-sign-throwing war, you really feel confident flashing a sideways peace symbol?

Okay, let’s start with the good: It’s pliable. Paper can be folded into infinite configurations — shout out to the origami gang among us — and crumpled to a formidable density, adding to its guile and cunning properties…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Rest in power, weird-ass kings and queens!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Dishmantled via Quibi

Yes, the premise was exactly what it sounds like: Blindfolded MCs navigated an obstacle course populated with swole-ass gladiators, rapping all the while. And the only reason this is the least-weird entry on the list is because Eric Andre actually managed to prove its potential on his self-titled Adult Swim show. Honestly, if Quibi had lived long enough to add the show to its platform, we might have become paying subscribers.

Only in 2020, a year in which everyone was at home and a billion-dollar company was absolutely desperate for content, could “a bunch of actors re-enact The Princess Bride


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Charge it to the game!

A partial view of a Duracell D battery in black & white against a background with the repeating text “Just Rankin’ Shit.”
A partial view of a Duracell D battery in black & white against a background with the repeating text “Just Rankin’ Shit.”
Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

Rechargeable appliances have largely replaced those that require batteries, but these old reliables have avoided obsolescence. Personal groomers, your wireless mouse, handheld kitchen gadgets, your kid’s toys, a wall clock, the damn TV remote — you’d best keep a few of these batteries around, lest you be AAssed-out when you need ’em.

Ever touch your tongue to the polarized nubs of one of these batteries for the sole purpose of adding some semblance of sensation to your otherwise numb existence? Just us? Oh. You could use them in smoke detectors, too, we guess.

Okay, Radio Raheem. Unless your nostalgic ass…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

‘It’s Friday; you ain’t got no job… you ain’t got shit to do’

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: New Line Cinema via Amazon Prime Video

We knew this short-lived MTV2 toon would be weird when we realized John DiMaggio — the voice of Futurama’s Bender — would attempt to channel the greatness of John Witherspoon’s Pops. What we didn’t anticipate was Smokey’s character looking like dude from ToeJam & Earl. Friday has never felt so fugazi.

Ranking this sequel so low should be as illegal as the cash stuffed in Joker’s hydraulic pump. Sure, Chris Tucker’s absence is felt in this follow-up set in the suburbs, but Mike Epps seamlessly fills the void as Day Day. Damn near every moment he’s on screen is hysterical…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

It’s April, fools!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium. Source: Getty Images.

The best elements of Punk’d tend to be natural reactions to manufactured shenanigans; Tyler’s didn’t disappoint. After a taco truck explodes at a children’s charity event, the former Odd Future frontman smiles ear to ear while running toward a man engulfed in flames — not to offer help, but to capture footage on his phone. Fake reality sets in when he’s blamed for the blast. “Yo, is he okay?” asks Tyler, the destroyer. “I can’t go to jail if I fucked up, right?”

Leave it to Ashton Kutcher to turn racial profiling into a riotous prank. When stopped by two…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Where do you see yourself by the end of this article?

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium. Source: Getty Images.

They couldn’t pay me enough to avoid having a nervous breakdown due to incompetent middle management, scheming co-workers, sexually harassing executives, all while making an unlivable wage that made treating said breakdown impossible. Also, just looking to explore new opportunities!

Not so much a question seeking actual worst qualities as much as it is a test to see if the applicant can spin the query into something self-aggrandizing like “I’m a workaholic” or “I’m too much of a perfectionist and way too detail-oriented to ever fucking chill for just one second.” …


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Happy 30th birthday to the best thinly veiled music biopic of all time. All tiiiiime!

A black and white photo collage of the members of The Five Heartbeats.
A black and white photo collage of the members of The Five Heartbeats.
Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

Dresser had a decent voice, but getting washed in a dance contest by an old man — in front of your homies, no less — isn’t the most promising indicator of solo stardom.

It’s hard to find a name less sexy than Choirboy. Yet somehow, even when the whole band was bombing, he was the only member who ever got shit thrown at him while onstage. Doesn’t exactly scream “we want more.”

J.T. had crazy pipes, heartthrob appeal, and was a total womanizer. Sounds like a solo breakout to us.

Eddie Kane Jr. put it plainly in one of the…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Pull up!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

If your name is Alexis, there’s a 45% chance you were named after this aspirational car brand. Kanye said so.

Afford Mustang? You damn right we can. And we’ll let pedestrians and fellow drivers know it every time we pull off with the engine screaming.

These muscle cars come equipped with a beastly engine that makes its driver feel ready to take on a Hot Wheels vertical loop — or aimlessly drive around town pantless, word to Victor Wallace. Either way, you’re sure to turn heads.

These gas-guzzling SUVs sitting on 24-inch rims would pop up in virtually every hip-hop…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Swipe left. Swipe left!

A man on his phone.
A man on his phone.
Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium. Source: Getty Images.

If we wanted to practice the process of elimination, we wouldn’t be on a dating app — we’d be somewhere flunking our LSATs.

There are only three explanations for upping the ante with a “super like”: A) this person is intensely into your profile, and may or may not want to have your babies; B) they are desperate, and possibly a creep; or C) it was an accidental swipe. The mental gymnastics are exhausting, so we’re just gonna assume it’s B.

This person types phrases like “just ask” as their bio, which kind of defeats its purpose (and makes for…

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